I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly