driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.