My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
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*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack