{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened