Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
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Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!