What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?