Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
You Might Also Like
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Did my cat write this
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?