***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?