“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
fired
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.