guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
SPLOOT
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…