If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“That’s what” – She
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!