[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.