I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
*skinny dips into black hole
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….