Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Saw your ex at the shops
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.