My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Word!
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.