What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Coffee is ready.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.