Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
one of
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.