Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)