[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
You Might Also Like
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?