I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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