I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Is your wife single?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending