Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.