With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”