“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
found this cool rock hiking today
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires