Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
emergency phone
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “