If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
congratulations to them
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?