This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.