Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy