Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.