If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Midwest trash talk
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.