wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Anime is real
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Why font matters.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*