yall want some gasoline milk
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Home is where your toilet is.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.