I enjoy a good short stor
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Siri: Retweet me.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod