I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
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Very good! 👍😂
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me if I was a dog
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy