I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .