Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me