Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
the red hot silly peppers
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
No Google it does not
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist