I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Haha good job!!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me