[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.