her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
blocked.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this