My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
What?
Safety first
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?