Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Basketball
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all