Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”