It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Battery falling down a hole
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies