To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!