Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”