I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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Beware…..
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’