Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The devil.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?