Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
can’t catch a break
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.