I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
You Might Also Like
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
NASA has no chill
I have no passwords left in me
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.